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Man Arrested For Anti-Cake Crusade

There are few objective truths in the universe, but we all know the sky is blue, that water is wet, and that cake is better than pie.

Unfortunately, as science has not yet devoted adequate resources to proving cake’s unquestionable status as the Alpha Pastry in the dessert food chain, violent pastry partisanship continues to rage across the globe.

Officers were called to site of this most recent buttercream-iced battleground—the Lake City Fred Meyer—around 7:45 AM Sunday morning after receiving a report of a man knocking things over and harassing employees.

Police contacted that store’s manager, who said a man had come into the Fred Meyer, harassed bakery staff, and pushed over a display full of cakes for “no apparent reason,” causing more than $300 worth of cake-related damage. The suspect then walked out of the store.

Officers found the suspect pacing back and forth in the store’s parking lot and arrested him. Officers then booked the man into the King County Jail for property damage.