Mr. Colbert and Colbert Nation,
It has come to our attention that the Seattle Police Department was featured in a segment on your news program about marijuana enforcement in our great state, following the passage of Initiative 502.
Unfortunately, this segment was rife with errors—understandable given that your program airs during a late evening hour, typically the domain of infomercial watchers, graffiti vandals and car prowlers.
As such, we now believe it is necessary for our department to address some of the more egregious “Truthiness” contained in your report, such as your assertion that America is “surrendering in the war on drugs” and that police in Seattle are “encouraging drug use.”
We’ll have you know, sir, that our department continues to pursue marijuana-related infractions, such as the sale of marijuana-infused snacks without a license.
We’ve also made numerous attempts to better inform Seattle residents of the laws they voted for through our Marijwhatnow FAQ and Hempfest outreach. We even had the foresight to do so in a way that captured our audience’s attention before they went back to hashtagging their Tweets and Instagramming their lunch.
You also claimed our department has not done enough to keep “medical-grade dispensary dank away from kids,” and has failed to address the serious side effects of marijuana, such as short-term memory loss.
We simply cannot remember a time we were more incensed by such a blatant mischaracterization of our department. We continue to investigate the sale of marijuana to minors, and we certainly do not encourage the use of silly branding like “Bubba Kush” and “Alien Dog.” If it were up to us, pot brands would have names like “Remember to Call Your Mother” and “You Don’t Want to Grow Up to Be a Drummer, Do You?”
You also indicated our educational material to Hempfest attendees—instructing them to “listen to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon at a reasonable volume”—would impact their ability to appreciate guitarist David Gilmour’s “sick solo based on the pentatonic scale.”
In fact, we were simply drawing Hempfest attendees’ attention to the fact that they need not sustain any sort of auditory injury while embarking on Pink Floyd’s seminal 43-minute psychedelic voyage through human existence.
We sincerely hope this clarifies any confusion for you, Mr. Colbert . As to your final point, debating whether marijuana decriminalization will provide a much-needed tax revenue boost, we can confirm that Initiative 502 has been a boon for our local restaurant industry. Currently, you have to get on a three-month-long waiting list just to order a pizza.
Your partner in anti-crime,
The Seattle Police Department